that is the best word to describe my feelings right now.

Sometimes. No. Most of the time, aku rasa aku lah manusia yang tak bersyukur. Aku ni kufur nikmat. Astagfirullah. Dear Allah, please forgive me.

Jujur aku cakap, aku tengah down and serabut and lemah semangat. Aku dapat tawaran yang memang aku pun tak jangka boleh dapat. Bersyukur sangat-sangat, tapi, aku tak boleh nak tekan ‘I firmly accept this offer’. Why? Terlalu banyak faktor.

  1. Funds – the biggest factor of course. Ada yang aku mohon dah but, sebab tawaran ni roll in lambat aku direject,’cause yeah who in this reality world would accept an applicant with no placement at any university? Right? It’s a reality check. So senang cakap, yang mana aku apply awal semua kena reject. Sakit sangat.
  2. Aku tak dibenarkan kerja. yeahh… and the truth that I can’t even say or show to my family – dah tak larat duduk rumah. Sorry. I want to work, so that when I enroll to any uni I have a financial aid that I can use. Aku tak suka susahkan mak and kakak aku, ayah dah pencen, aku ada 4 orang adik yang tengah and bakal sambung and heck yes I know how my family financial state right now. Tapi  tu lah mak still tak bagi aku kerja sebab kalau aku kerja siapa nak jaga ayah? Ni lah feeling torn inside out yang aku tak tau nak bagitau dekat sesapa and even if I do, ada ka yang sudi nak faham. nehi. Aku rasa macam biawak hidup yang dalam perumpaan BM tu. Rasa tak guna sangat. Frust. Though aku tetap isi borang dekat kedai mana-mana so aku boleh kerja cuma tak boleh nak hantar ja lagi. ’cause nak keluar rumah kena tengok condition dulu, ada orang tak yang boleh jaga and tunggu with ayah – my dad condition is quite poor though banyak yang dah ok. He’s a post stroke patient and currently a nephro patient. Minta izin tu takda masalah.
  3. Ekonomi. Yang ni aku tak boleh nak salah sesapa sebab aku pun tau kenapa and apa yang terjadi. Tapi tu lah stress jugak. Benda ni unexpectedly affecting me. I cannot apply many scholar untuk offer tu sebab tak banyak open untuk ke tempat tu. Sedih tapi Allah dah tetapkan jalan ni untuk aku. But hey, the choices is still there. I can change the fate.
  4. News – bukan yang tv tu tapi yang aku dengar dari orang aku ambil berat. Yang mana elok – Alhamdulilah. Yang tak seronok dengar pun ada. Aku dah sampai tahap tak boleh nak nangis kalau dengar benda tu jadi dekat orang yang aku sayang. Ada yang baru-baru ni meninggal, jujur aku cakap aku ada niat nak pergi melawat tapi tak ada kesempatan thus I can only pray. Walaupun ada yang pernah kata ‘dosa kau tu sendiri dah banyak masih ada hati nak doa untuk orang lain’. It’s not a bad thing right ? tapi kenapa benda ni still lingering in my head every each time aku nak berdoa. Setan sangat. It hurts inside whenever I want to pray for them, I didn’t pray for something that is impossible. I just pray for their happiness, cause I care. Is it wrong to care for such people? They’re good people for Allah’s sake.

Tapi apa yang buat aku rasa tak bersyukur sangat tu bila tengok ayah. Aku rasa derhaka sangat bila timbul rasa nak belajar jauh-jauh, ayah nak anak-anak ayah dekat dengan ayah. Aku tau tu and it hurts everytimes. Kalau nak apply apa-apa aku rasa bersalah kalau apply jauh-jauh. Mak selalu reminds me that Ayah needs me. His condition is…. – there are no words to describe it. To be honest I am so jealous orang yang ada ayah yang sihat and able to fulfill your needs, and yes, I am very much angry to any children yang tak hormat mak ayah diorang.

Aku tau susah orang nak terima aku and keluarga aku sebab keadaan ayah aku. Kalau ex-boyfriend adik aku tu yang bodoh sangat nak faham keadaan kami yang mana ayah lagi penting dari diri dia tu … apatah lagi kalau kami kawin nanti. Bolehkah atau ada yang sudi nak faham keadaan di mana ayah nak kami ada dekat dengan ayah?  I don’t think anyone would sacrifice for that and I hope no one would, aku ni jenis cepat simpati dekat orang.

And I know if anyone ( kalau ada la, walaupun tak ada) yang baca statement aku ni will say -‘ sebenarnya kau rasa ayah kau yang jadi penghalang untuk cita-cita kau kan?’ . No I don’t feel like that. Ayah aku tu lebih kepada fuel untuk aku kejar cita-cita aku. Cuma aku tengah down sekarang ni. Tu je. Setan kan suka kacau manusia yang down ni.

lastly , yeah I got an overseas offer. at one of the prestigious uni at UK. I still feel like i shouldn’t give up the offer and I won’t . For now. I hope I can go there. tu je. Not that Malaysian Uni is not good enough but, it’s a lifetime offer. Aku ni bukan kaya sangat nak pegi uk for holidays and kalau ada duit sekalipun, benda sekadar nak pegi uk untuk jejalan tu nafsu je. ada benda lain lagi penting.

I know this kind of offer does not come to me frequently.

ahhhh legaaanyaaa boleh lepas. ringan sikit.

Someone Like You

I don’t know if there’s someone like me, I have problem every each time people asks me – “sambung belajar ke tak ?”

and yes, I do have problems when people asks me – “nak sambung apa nanti?”

man… terasa semua manusia yang asyik sakan bertanya itu ini macam psycho. *sorry*

All of you make me think everything many times until I have no answers. Then you labelled me – takda pegangan.

Thanks again. I am not lalang yang takda pegangan. It’s just aku fikir semua aspek sebelum sambung.

then you asks me – “minat kau apa?” aku minat nak tuntut ilmu. Apa masalah kau nak suruh aku pilih nak study apa. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak ambik history – belajar sejarah dunia. teroka sejarah – a deep passion yang payah aku kekalkan. terpaksa belajar senyap-senyap. Aku suka baca teori konspirasi sebab ada betul benda semua tu walau tak banyak. Aku suka study pasal Yahudi. Aku suka language. Aku suka masak. Aku suka main game and I really damn want to create one. Aku suka engine. Aku suka drums and guitar. Aku suka skates.  THERE ! ALL OF THAT ARE MY PASSION.


Scientist in the past have the liberty to study whatever they want and now you want us to have only one knowledge? IT IS SO UNFAIR.

I WANT THE LIBERTY TO STUDY ! study anything that I want to. Cause I am totally engrossed in studying and not examinations !

yep . run away from me people. You think I am weird. I know. I am proud of myself. I love knowledge and you’re not.



Sahara Beauty Secrets

Assalamualaikum, Peace be Upon to All,

today I would like to make a statement – I love SBS ! it make me feel so confident ! Plus it makes my pits skin smoother and healthier.

No harsh razor rash, no razor bump, no dark underarm, no heating wax

Hair are removed til the roots baby! What makes it more amazing is
LESS pain ! Long time for the hair to regrow! How awesome is that ??!!!


wax that need no heating process yet cleans the hair at the private area just in a breeze.

hate messy-hot-painful-old-wax way ? Say no more !

Really reasonable and lasts for 3-4 months ! Saves your money

no more words here are the link —-> https://www.facebook.com/Sahara-Beauty-Secrets-448698708621344/timeline/

*promot je**winks winks*


All Time Favorite

Assalamualaikum to all !

though I know that nobody read this haha

well, just forget that  today post is about what inspire me through my all time fav TV show. I don’t know how does they run those show but they do know how to affect me. Really. In a good way. So, let us go through one by one.

1.One Piece (anime)

One Piece is a story about Monkey D. Luffy, a young-spirited-energetic-full-of-life boy that dreams to become a Pirate King. My, my, what a character isn’t he. For general information to whoever never watch this amazing yet ongoing story lemme tell ya a bit about it. He (Luffy) ate a Deviled Fruit that gave him ability to stretch yet his survival ability-swim was blocked away. So, Luffy is right now in a journey to find his fated crew members to join him and support him to become a Pirate King. The recent episodes of this anime is still ongoing. You guys can watch it at here –> http://www.kissanime.com


and you guys might be curious about this certain anime right ? What so special about this anime that I’ve become so attached to my TV/Laptop if anyone watch it ?

haha let me invade your mind a bit. This story is too long for god sake, yet full filling. Whenever he found a new member or went to a new country for an amazing adventure, there are story. Heart pounding story. How he never gave up on saving people, I mean come on guys, he is a freaking pirate, in real world, in my world, the only pirate that I know are people selling fake stuff or illegal CD’s, and yeah, pirate are bad in general. Differ from any anime, these type of pirate have their own reason why they become a pirate. Some might sound ridiculous, some might be logic, but not one human that god create are similar, even the twins++.

So, what I can say is, whenever I feel want to give up on something I hear their song and yes, I saw each face of the Straw Hats crews – Luffy, Zoro, Nami, Ussop, Sanji, Robin, Chopper, Franky and Brook, and I say, if they never give up, why should you. Thank You Eiichiro Oda.


2. America’s Next Top Model


Hehe, you guys might be surprised that I watch these type of reality show. Ahhaha, anyways it wasn’t a bad show after all. It might feel a bit off when a serious person like me watch these crazy stuff. I know the impression when they saw me watch ANTM. Well here is a bit intro – The show was created by Tyra Banks – world renown model, entrepreneur and host. From 2003 til now, the show has reached the Cycle 21 where in cycle 20 until recent the male are given opportunity to prove themselves as a top and high fashion model. Tyra herself is a great model (she is my all time fav model) and she give other people that have the potential to become a high fashion model chance to start their journey.


Yup, she’s one of a kind lady – fierce. Not all model are as successful as she is right now. Still beautiful and fierce. I gotta say, you need to pass down your beauty secret TyTy. Oh and how I love that she is inspiring people to be as successful as she is. So great. Well the main reason I watch her show is how she help her contestant to be an amazing model. No matter what is you past background. If you work hard, it’ll pays off. She’s a living proof. It’s not like I want to be her. I want to be much more than her. Well sorry, I can’t be a model yet I can be myself. That is enough, and through the show I learn how to communicate, how to speak at least a wee bit fluent though it sounds weird, and I learn how to smize, that’s right SMIZE. haha

3. Shokugeki no Souma (anime)

It is a new series of cooking anime. I found it when I was soo hungry and don’t know what to cook. It is a tale of Souma an amateur cook that was forced by his awesome dad to study at a legend cooking school in Japan. Well, he found many great challenger , thus in order to defeat his father cooking skills he need to survive that high school to improve himself. I think You can get the picture why I like it (cause it has many ideas of new food, i like to cook), and yes it’s suitable for 20++ age. Sorry. The impact when anyone taste a great or disgusting food is quite extreme I’d say, but the rest is amazing. The episodes is still ongoing.


soma 1

4. Uttare Daikichi

It is an old manga that I bought in the earlier days of my high school. It so wonderful. This is a mind blowing manga that focused on how to make your business is successful. Daikichi is a boy that is a genius tactical in business. He enter a competition to become a great businessman. The manga is created by Yuuji Takemura and the story line is awesome, I mean how can you have 100000++ ways to make your business success ? and not all people can understand that and apply it in daily life, but the manga came with an example and how to apply on real life. It’s a huge thing if this manga translated. It’s kinda sad that the manga didn’t appear in any online manga page. It’s better to translate these type of manga rather than yuri, yaoi or hentai.


yeah that is the some of it. Well, to be honest, I feel so excited to write this whole thing. I really want people to understand that there is much more than meets the eye/book/show … whatever . Read between the line. Last  but not least take all the positive things that you can grasp in anything that you do.



Senior Years

Assalamualaikum to all

well I know there is no one reading it but hey ! don’t go ruin my confidence okay 🙂

well what should I tell you guys today ?  well from the tittle , it is obviously my senior years at here , Kelantan .

hahhhhhh, how time flies, it is my third and it is also the last semester for diploma. I feel a bit off when everyone keep asking me, ‘is it the last semester already ?’. I hate goodbyes and one of the reason I always say to many people, “I’ll see you again !”, although it may be the last time meeting them, why not we part our ways with happiness, hmm ?

In these three years many thing happen, and those things happen very very fast. How I cried when the first time I got here and how my parent left me here, how I get to my first dean list award, meet new kinds people, new language (not really), become a cashier, become a leader, become a part of the student committee, fighting, frustrating, hoping, caring, changing, understanding and finding myself. I gotta say, it’s not easy be me .

People at here, Kelantan, was very generous, very pretty, very familiar. I kinda feel at home though it’s not my birthplace. I couldn’t thank them enough for giving a wonderful experience here. There are some that is not really nice, yet, should I bother with those unimportant thing ? No.

The people that I’ll be missing the most of course it will be anyone from KPTM, lecturer, students, staff and more. I am a part of KPTM. I make my own little story there. My KPTM is not like Puncak Alam. It’s just a little building at the side of the main road – Jalan Pengkalan Chepa. My house (rent one) just about 2-3 mins from there. Only at KPTM where I use the toilet to bath if there’s no water at home. I can make a few cash for myself to cover up my allowances, where I sleep if there is any event will take place or too tired to study the whole day , where I lost my temper, where I given chance to prove myself worthy, where I been given a chance to travel. Have an awesome food surrounding it – that’s why I gained so much weight. Hoping I’m a part of him. All I can say, KPTM has successfully take a small corner in my heart.

want some picture ? hehe here we go

SAM_6195 10846746_831567146906010_369334963_n B9ZlMpQCAAI0hez BTN SAM_6506 SAM_6540 10668182_746729858696495_335798117_n DSC_0342 DSC_0023 DSC_0292

IMG-20150630-WA0089 IMG-20150701-WA0006 PhotoChooser-772a562d-e462-4477-85de-6e597abbd6a6 SAM_2472 SAM_3497 SAM_3525 image(6) image SAM_6164 SAM_6171 SAM_6182 SAM_6187























Happy faces, no need heavy-expensive-complex cameras

memoua is precious

perfectly imperfect

truly yours,


Memoua – a part of us


I don’t know how to spell it correctly 😀 but hey , at the very least you guys understand it (I really hope that you guys would)


is not something that you can just buy with money ( only some of ’em )


is something that we’ve been through , be it nice or bad , be it happy or sad , even comes hell or high water . still, is is a part of us


is something that we share with anybody – friends , families, foes and even strangers are a part of it


is something that we kept to us tightly


is something that keeps us human


is precious

yours truly



*due to lightning, all of us stand and showered ourselves with the dim light of the moon*

a memoua

Ya Allah berilah aku masa

lapangkanlah dada ku , aku nak terima ilmu ak nak berjaya

cukuplah ak kecewakan mereka Ya Rabb

kau saja yang tahu semua yg ada dalam hati aku

bantulah aku

aku perlukan semangat mu

aku perlukan kebijaksanaan mu

aku perlukan redha mu Ya Allah

I really need it


WeeWeeWednesday : Love stories

Assalamualaikum to all,

it’s so early in the morning I know,

well cause I’d already sleep just now . See the tittle ? heheh

not about me though , I don’t have any love stories haha

I mean how can I have one . I don’t even have the hero! haha  , even if I have one , I;ll never show him haha .

Okay , to be honest I don’t really have anything to say or to tell , Just feel like writing up something, hmm


do you guys ever feel lost ? I mean your old self suddenly disappear, I do feel that now. I feel that I’ve been so bitchy to my classmates these few weeks. I’m bad , i know .

I hate it .

“to hate others is just ugly, but hating yourself ?

it is much uglier”

help me ?

I do need a hero right now.



london bridge

imagine dragons – demons

Silly Saturday

it’s a hard choice

My heart chooses him I guess, but he might have someone else there

it’s sad to know what you want can’t be yours

although I kept telling myself –

perhaps, something that you really love doesn’t benefit you yet the things that you hate  most is ” 

Sometimes I don’t really want to have any kinds of ties regarding to him , but reality does a good work by twisting it just a little. I’m quite friendly with the sister

hemm life do know how to fool me .

love you like a fool – kiera knightley

Random Rossum


nothing much , sesaja nak update blog ikut ayat hati haha

sebenarnya aku tengah malas ,

sebenarnya kan aku terasa nak tido and do nothing and go to the dreamland

sebenarnya kan aku malas nak buat keje aku yang berlambak-lambak macam gunung himalaya nuhh

sebenarnya kan aku malas nak palnning untuk keja mpp aku yg bersusun-susun kalah dominoes yang panjang nuh

sebenarnyakan aku nak marah diri aku

sebenarnyakan aku ni xmau packing and pi kelantan again sebab aku tak puas cuti

sebenarnya aku taktau nak update apa

– sebenarnya –

Thank you