My day: Birthday


One and only that never misses to wish to me! Although it is computerized and it does not mean anything to other, it meant a lot to me! Thank you google! ( of course my family never forgot to wish to me too and my friends)

So, it is my birthday today ! OFFICIALLY 24 years old! phew, it felt like yesterday that turned 20, now I am on the mid years of my life (in twenties), so lets recap;

  1. still single
  2. amazingly curvy
  3. still studying
  4. I met a lot famous people recently
  5. my grades improved a bit, Alhamdulillah
  6. I am not over him that’s for sure, cause I cannot lie to myself anymore, but I don’t mind anymore – tired πŸ™‚
  7. Get over few of my fears (drive on big roads, letting along go, being alone)
  8. I am currently the BIG sis in the house yet useless cause I am jobless (not refering to anyone, this is how I feel, not related to anyone that’s already dead or currently alive)
  9. no more fake resolutions, enjoying every second of my life
  10. trying my best to behave properly (like mom said), trying to be nicer to kids (so hard)
  11. hoping more self-date after this ! (self therapy)

so, that is all I guess, more to come after this I hope.

InsyaAllah πŸ™‚



Wiser as we get older

since this is not about me and I never intend to write about me for a while, I mean, in this world it is not only about us right ? Plus we are not the center of the universe.

the first person that I wanna write about is my ever dearest Along ! Happy 27th BIRTHDAY and your last birthday as single lady ! I love you even though you like to annoy me, always wanna win whenever we’re debating and you’re one of the reason why I kept doing my degree, even when I feel like giving up ! You’re the best sister that I could ever asked from Allah. May your marriage later be blessed by Allah and may you stay happy til the end. I always pray that for you. Always.

the second person is my lecturer, I have mixed feeling whenever I think about her. I amazed by her strength, her story and her ability to solve and to understand complicated things, but for Allah’s sake, I am so scared of her, the way you treated me in the class make me feel like a trash. You said that we’re slow in catching up things in class, I accept that, and I try hard to keep up.

Sometimes I do not understand why you convey those harsh and mean word to us, your student! It is so hurtful. You make us feel demotivated and so small. I feel worthless whenever I sat in your class. I never felt like that before, I hate that feeling.

I wish not to hate you, but I HATE your words. I know that you are young, and hot blooded but to blame us to be your mood spoiler and affecting other people, that is beyond rude. You said ‘if you wanted to treated as an adult, be one’, sad – you’re not one. You’re much more childish than we are, and I really wish the faculty could just send you to the anger management course and psychological counseling. We can’t even ask anyone to replace you cause there is none and I admit I prefer to be taught by you, cause I understand better, but I can never comprehend those feelings anymore. I am scared that if those FEAR will eventually turn into ANGER towards you. I am scared that I might do something out of control.

Be sensible please, tolerate please. I have 22.5 credit hours, and I did my best to follow up without passing out.Β  You are pressuring us, you hate us, you even hate the seniors that repeating your subject, IS THAT HOW AN EDUCATOR SHOULD BE ?

I know people would feel weird why am I getting emotional about it, CAUSE I RESPECT YOU, CAUSE I DID MY BEST! YOU NEVER NOTICE THAT ! YOU ONLY WANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN YOUR LIFE!

I did my best, I really do, why are you like this ? WHYYY!



Weight me not!

Aghhhh.. to be honest, that is how I really felt when I type the title. huhhh

Since Along got engaged to Mr. A, she’s already ahead with the wedding plans although her wedding date hasn’t been decided yet! I mean, it is normal right? ….. right?

**I hope so**

haha, anyway, of course as a good sister who have quite a few little sisters, she has appointed us to become her bridesmaids BUT with conditions – at least 60 kg max. , I mean, I am way much more! And, honestly I want to be her bridesmaid. She’s my precious-annoying-yet-I-still-love-her elder sister and I am so happy for her.

I am currently gained too much weight, too much. I exceeded Β my limits *’sorry can’t tell ya guys’*, but not so shocking as I literally stopped exercising when I started my semester break (3 month relationship with food).


Sad life huh?

Before this, I said that I am weighted for a reason, now, I lost that reason and currently stressing on my study life and can’t seem to take it well when losing Ayah, which makes me a stress eater. I get hungry easily whenever I stress, and still hungry as ever right now. I am not a sweet tooth person more to a spicy and savory kinda girl = excess intake of salt. Not that I am proud of it, yes, I’ve been mocked and condemned by people for my weight, much painful ’cause it came from my own family!

Hence, since Along badly want her little sisters to be on her wedding day confident and beautiful, I’ll accept the challenge! I’ll try hard for her sake and also my sake. (I need reasons). I pray that I ‘ll always be consistent with the clean eating, exercising and get the targeted Β result.


#293daysweightlosschallenged #mayAllahhelpme



yeah, hoping to feel like those girls in that picture. Fighting bel!!!

The Last for 2nd year

It’s my last paper today, my ankle hurts, I’m feeling light headed – from all the sleepless night, but that’s okay. At least I make effort for each paper.

Can’t wait to go home, rest and start to work. I need money for next semester’s fees. I need money to survive at one of expensive places to study. I am tired, hungry and nauseous. 

My body needs rest. 

I miss home already..

May Allah bless 

This bed sure do looks nice πŸ˜ͺπŸ˜ͺπŸ˜ͺπŸ˜ͺ



Salam all, 

It will be the last semester for year 1 cts, cant wait to be in the new year.

Though i wanna give up so many times, but being hard and cofusing are the reason i’m staying. 

I learn a lot, I sacrifice a lot, I cried a lot for many reasons. I’m growing each and everyday, mentally and physically.

I’m scared , I’ve lost and found my way back. So many things happen, but now it is time to focus – for the finals πŸ˜ƒ.

All the best. Be the best bel! You can do this!!

Mental health

If it is regarding mental people often take it as crazy.. Dude, to me everybody is crazy it is just how we handle it makes us less crazy.

So yeah after several test taken… I have depression, gda and ptsd. Idk whether it is legit yet or not… Trying to find a real doc on this issue….though to be honest I am scared to know the truth…

What triggers all those stuff ? I really hv no idea… And i mean, I do have suicidal thought but i never hurt myself, and the thought of if I am dissappear everything will be alright, and i know pretty damn well i am in a lot of stress… Wheww what a lot of things to feel as a human…

Sometimes to me, people with this issues are unfair. I mean i try so hard to cure myself to not try to jump.from high places or stay in water too long…but they use this thing as a liecense to do hurtful and to be honest they are such an egomaniac..

You want me to understand you, but you didnt even try to understand others, you blame people as if your are not at fault at all… Whenever i talk nobody heard me… I feel so angry, when i go with the flow and something went wrong they blame me… Greattt and whenever they feel guilty of hurting others they said i hv depression …so lame…

So unfair

I keep everything to myself for a long time… Crying till it hurts, how can they just easily said that when you dont even try… I try so hard to make myself healthy.

You get mad over stupid things for a long time and put it on others hahh! 

I try halt myself from having weird stuff in my head. I ask you to slowly stop those kind of things but you dont want to, you know pretty damn well it is haram yet you still did it. Whose fault is that huh?!!!

Ada banyak benda lain kau boleh ikut but noooooo you want people to understand why you did that… So much for escapism so much for reason to live. ALLAH kau letak mana ? 

Hell yes am being emotional , ak nak kawan aku jd sihat.. Sama2 cuba jd sihat… Tp kau tak nak dengar, ego sangat… Am proud of myself to knowledge that i hv those things cause i try so hard to refrained myself.. I did something, and you just rant on your ego.


“Ambil degree ni kena banyak baca and faham”, that is what I’ve heard from Along. Reality – 100% just as she said. Luckily, I am an avid reader. I read almost anything and everything, but it seemed that I lack of reading practice lately…. *sigh*

Too busy with memorizing formulas, ayat and such… 

To be better is ain’t waltz dearie, and waltz is not easy either ! 

I hope I can succede better than last semester… Start early bel! πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ 

#currentsituation #onepiece #studentlife #belofbelonlawa 😘


Tomorrow will be the last day for february 😞. I miss ayah so much, 15th was his birthday , can’t call him and wish him liked I used to…although I still remember how hard it is feel like to delete his number from my contacts and how I still call his number eventhough I know nobody would answer.. I miss you so much lately.. I wanna see you

24th was his birthday, I guess I am doing a good job resisting myself and trying my hardest to forget my feeling. Only Allah knows..May Allah blessed him with happiness and May Allah blessed me with peace.. 

February is a heartbroken month for me. Both of them are not meant to stay with me. How my heart dies when they leave. 

I wish for better days and better me. Avenge yourself bel, live your life to the fullest. 

Be a better person then you already are

Love yourself more, though there are no feelings that we can feel..

I miss my old self. A happy me. 

I am no angel

Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable to pray with others in the room? 

All i want a bit privacy with Allah, only that time I was able to feel calm, not that praying together make me feel in hell. It’s just, that is the time I want to fully focus, to fully feel at home. 

I know they mean well but, it is so uncomfortable. I hate it this feeling. I want to be at peace. I want no one to feel uncomfortable. 

All i ask is for a lone time w Him. Every prayer, i know tht it hv many benefits, but why it makes me hate them so much ? Ahhhhhhhh😩😩😩😩😩😩😩