Mental health

If it is regarding mental people often take it as crazy.. Dude, to me everybody is crazy it is just how we handle it makes us less crazy.

So yeah after several test taken… I have depression, gda and ptsd. Idk whether it is legit yet or not… Trying to find a real doc on this issue….though to be honest I am scared to know the truth…

What triggers all those stuff ? I really hv no idea… And i mean, I do have suicidal thought but i never hurt myself, and the thought of if I am dissappear everything will be alright, and i know pretty damn well i am in a lot of stress… Wheww what a lot of things to feel as a human…

Sometimes to me, people with this issues are unfair. I mean i try so hard to cure myself to not try to jump.from high places or stay in water too long…but they use this thing as a liecense to do hurtful and to be honest they are such an egomaniac..

You want me to understand you, but you didnt even try to understand others, you blame people as if your are not at fault at all… Whenever i talk nobody heard me… I feel so angry, when i go with the flow and something went wrong they blame me… Greattt and whenever they feel guilty of hurting others they said i hv depression …so lame…

So unfair

I keep everything to myself for a long time… Crying till it hurts, how can they just easily said that when you dont even try… I try so hard to make myself healthy.

You get mad over stupid things for a long time and put it on others hahh! 

I try halt myself from having weird stuff in my head. I ask you to slowly stop those kind of things but you dont want to, you know pretty damn well it is haram yet you still did it. Whose fault is that huh?!!!

Ada banyak benda lain kau boleh ikut but noooooo you want people to understand why you did that… So much for escapism so much for reason to live. ALLAH kau letak mana ? 

Hell yes am being emotional , ak nak kawan aku jd sihat.. Sama2 cuba jd sihat… Tp kau tak nak dengar, ego sangat… Am proud of myself to knowledge that i hv those things cause i try so hard to refrained myself.. I did something, and you just rant on your ego.

Multitask

“Ambil degree ni kena banyak baca and faham”, that is what I’ve heard from Along. Reality – 100% just as she said. Luckily, I am an avid reader. I read almost anything and everything, but it seemed that I lack of reading practice lately…. *sigh*

Too busy with memorizing formulas, ayat and such… 

To be better is ain’t waltz dearie, and waltz is not easy either ! 

I hope I can succede better than last semester… Start early bel! 💪💪 

#currentsituation #onepiece #studentlife #belofbelonlawa 😘

Better

Tomorrow will be the last day for february 😞. I miss ayah so much, 15th was his birthday , can’t call him and wish him liked I used to…although I still remember how hard it is feel like to delete his number from my contacts and how I still call his number eventhough I know nobody would answer.. I miss you so much lately.. I wanna see you

24th was his birthday, I guess I am doing a good job resisting myself and trying my hardest to forget my feeling. Only Allah knows..May Allah blessed him with happiness and May Allah blessed me with peace.. 

February is a heartbroken month for me. Both of them are not meant to stay with me. How my heart dies when they leave. 

I wish for better days and better me. Avenge yourself bel, live your life to the fullest. 

Be a better person then you already are

Love yourself more, though there are no feelings that we can feel..

I miss my old self. A happy me. 

I am no angel

Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable to pray with others in the room? 

All i want a bit privacy with Allah, only that time I was able to feel calm, not that praying together make me feel in hell. It’s just, that is the time I want to fully focus, to fully feel at home. 

I know they mean well but, it is so uncomfortable. I hate it this feeling. I want to be at peace. I want no one to feel uncomfortable. 

All i ask is for a lone time w Him. Every prayer, i know tht it hv many benefits, but why it makes me hate them so much ? Ahhhhhhhh😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

Sick

Demam, sakit kepala, tapak kaki sejuk, sakit urat, palpitation. 

It is not a heartbreak, it is a liberation from my old silly self. 

Pain will be memory. 

I can’t thank you enough. 

You are a very nice guy, I don’t deserve you. 

Thank you for saying no politely. 

Thank you for not making me cry. 

I feel so free, though I am not happy.

May Allah bless you always with happiness, always. 

I love you💖

Just so you know, though you won’t. I always stand firm with my decisions and not once I regret it. 

🙋 its a good goodbye

December

calculus *shift to* tilawah + tajwid *shift to* surah al mulk *shift to* surah ali imran *shift to* calculus again.

– current situation

I took the most subject this year… 8 subject is no kidding.. chill

Imma multitask person, one of my unique perks

All the best for final bel! You can do this.

for them, for him, for us.

May Allah bless our effort!

(17/12/2016 – 12/1/2017)

Him

There was once a upon a time that I read a novel, Schubert Serenade – Hlovate. I think that I understand what the writer want me to feel, but I didn’t. Yes, aku rasa aku faham perasaan kehilangan orang, orang yang mana sangat dekat di hati and that person just vanished. ‘poof’! Just like that.

Dulu.

Sekarang ni benda tu hari-hari aku rasa. That feeling is so undescribable.

betul apa yang ditulis oleh Hlovate – Rindu orang yang dah takda ni sakit. It hurts so much.

ikut hati aku yang kotor ni, aku nak nangis sepanjang masa

ikut hati aku yang penuh nafsu ni, aku nak Dia bagi balik orang tu

ikut hati aku yang kecik ni, I just want to see him and hug him, he – a person that will never be haram for me to touch.

Honestly, I am living in a different world called denial, I deny all my true feeling.

macam masa tengah susun barang yang dah diletak price tag petang tadi – first day kerja. Radio baru je putar lagu Rabbani – Intifadha. Jenuh control sedih so that I never ever cry in front of strangers. ‘ Selamat tinggal pada semua, Berpisah kita selamanya…’ Lirik dia yang satu ni memang buat hati rasa nak meraung. Susah payah aku praktis breathing, istighfar and move on.

I deny the emptiness that I feel right now, kerja tu alasan tak nak duduk rumah. I can go crazy if I stay at home any longer. I can see him everywhere, at every place that he used to walk, at the roadside, at the verandah, at the living room, at the dining table, in front of the gate. It makes me losing my sanity. That’s why I work.

I am not happy, but I smile, cause if I don’t, it will affect my mother and my siblings. It’s so hard to let him go. It is so hard to accept the truth that we just lost a father and my mother is a widow. Ingat jadi janda ni senang ke hah. Orang suka fitnah ibu tunggal ni – “apa perasaan korang kalau orang tuduh mak kau meroyan? padahal mak tu, Alhamdulillah sihat” , suka rampas harta dengan alasan darah daging yang tersenarai dalam faraid – nasib ada adik aku yang lelaki tu. Tu belum lagi harta sepencarian. Fikirlah dalam-dalam, harta tu bukan hak kita. Hak Allah. Kalau makan bukan hak kita kau larat nak jawab di akhirat? Jangan ingat kita tu konon-konon orang masjid selamat di akhirat. So yeah, fake happiness is what I am displaying right now.

Oh yeah, at least ada berita gembira ( small one) dalam hidup – I got to Uni of Bristol, sadly I couldn’t go and I’ve already declined the offer walaupun dah separuh jalan. Jadi la kan, ada jugak something and I’ve decided – aku nak travel, nak capai impian aku satu ni. Nak bawak parents jalan-jalan keliling dunia, tapi sekarang ni boleh bawak mak je lah tapi kena cari ongkos dulu. Simpan.

Ralat.

Aku ada banyak yang ‘sangkut’ di hati bila ayah takda ni.

  • ayah tak sempat tengok kami kawin
  • ayah tak sempat rasa timang cucu
  • ayah tak sempat nak pegi majlis konvo aku
  • ayah tak sempat nak pegi umrah again yang memang dah planning
  • ayah tak sempat rasa hantar anak pegi oversea and go to his child graduation ceremony there

and the list go on ….

tapi siapa aku nak defy Allah the greatest creator, The one and only God Almighty. Siapa aku. Dosa pun banyak – aku ni bukan perempuan yang suci dari dosa besar to be true. Aku pernah tinggal solat, terjebak dengan tengok porn – curious punya pasal and banyak benda ni dalam anime, terjebak dengan depression sampai nak bunuh diri, baca quran pun hentam je, suka anak orang (yang ni seksa sikit nak buang), lawan cakap mak ayah, berkasar dengan tok aku, merungut, mengumpat, memfitnah -” y did i say fitnah sbb fitnah n umpat dtg in one pack.”, menipu, aurat pun tak jaga, ikhtilat lagi la…banyak lagi … sampai satu tahap aku tak nak kawin sebab aku kesian dengan bakal pasangan aku and aku sampai sekarang benci dengan diri sendiri.

tapi tak bermakna aku suka dengan apa aku buat tu. Those confession dekat atas tu semua dark side and bad skeletons aku yang tersimpan dalam black past closet. Aku tengah berubah and Allah je tau seksa macam mana, berapa banyak air mata yang tumpah. Pada orang yang aku suka tu maaf – I am no bidadari syurga di dunia ni but I am trying my hardest to be one in akhirat. I really hope dia baca ni and sudi terima aku – 5 tahun aku pendam and aku banyak kali nak confess tapi I want to improve myself before I do so. At least if I will be rejected aku dah usaha bukan saja-saja cakap aku suka aku suka. I am dead serious.

Pada ayah yang angah kasihi, angah minta maaf sebab angah bukan anak yang terbaik, angah cuba jadi yang terbaik. Harap ayah doakan angah di ‘sana’.

Pesanan aku pada orang yang ada ayah and benci ayah dia atas apa sebab sekalipun, balik and minta maaf even if we’re so darn right. Dia tulah reason kita wujud. Ingat – after Allah and Rasulullah, sayang and respect mak and then do the same to ayah. Ego tu tak kemana pun, setan je semua tu.

Sincerely and honestly – bel

*no more hiding*

 

 

Dilemma.

that is the best word to describe my feelings right now.

Sometimes. No. Most of the time, aku rasa aku lah manusia yang tak bersyukur. Aku ni kufur nikmat. Astagfirullah. Dear Allah, please forgive me.

Jujur aku cakap, aku tengah down and serabut and lemah semangat. Aku dapat tawaran yang memang aku pun tak jangka boleh dapat. Bersyukur sangat-sangat, tapi, aku tak boleh nak tekan ‘I firmly accept this offer’. Why? Terlalu banyak faktor.

  1. Funds – the biggest factor of course. Ada yang aku mohon dah but, sebab tawaran ni roll in lambat aku direject,’cause yeah who in this reality world would accept an applicant with no placement at any university? Right? It’s a reality check. So senang cakap, yang mana aku apply awal semua kena reject. Sakit sangat.
  2. Aku tak dibenarkan kerja. yeahh… and the truth that I can’t even say or show to my family – dah tak larat duduk rumah. Sorry. I want to work, so that when I enroll to any uni I have a financial aid that I can use. Aku tak suka susahkan mak and kakak aku, ayah dah pencen, aku ada 4 orang adik yang tengah and bakal sambung and heck yes I know how my family financial state right now. Tapi  tu lah mak still tak bagi aku kerja sebab kalau aku kerja siapa nak jaga ayah? Ni lah feeling torn inside out yang aku tak tau nak bagitau dekat sesapa and even if I do, ada ka yang sudi nak faham. nehi. Aku rasa macam biawak hidup yang dalam perumpaan BM tu. Rasa tak guna sangat. Frust. Though aku tetap isi borang dekat kedai mana-mana so aku boleh kerja cuma tak boleh nak hantar ja lagi. ’cause nak keluar rumah kena tengok condition dulu, ada orang tak yang boleh jaga and tunggu with ayah – my dad condition is quite poor though banyak yang dah ok. He’s a post stroke patient and currently a nephro patient. Minta izin tu takda masalah.
  3. Ekonomi. Yang ni aku tak boleh nak salah sesapa sebab aku pun tau kenapa and apa yang terjadi. Tapi tu lah stress jugak. Benda ni unexpectedly affecting me. I cannot apply many scholar untuk offer tu sebab tak banyak open untuk ke tempat tu. Sedih tapi Allah dah tetapkan jalan ni untuk aku. But hey, the choices is still there. I can change the fate.
  4. News – bukan yang tv tu tapi yang aku dengar dari orang aku ambil berat. Yang mana elok – Alhamdulilah. Yang tak seronok dengar pun ada. Aku dah sampai tahap tak boleh nak nangis kalau dengar benda tu jadi dekat orang yang aku sayang. Ada yang baru-baru ni meninggal, jujur aku cakap aku ada niat nak pergi melawat tapi tak ada kesempatan thus I can only pray. Walaupun ada yang pernah kata ‘dosa kau tu sendiri dah banyak masih ada hati nak doa untuk orang lain’. It’s not a bad thing right ? tapi kenapa benda ni still lingering in my head every each time aku nak berdoa. Setan sangat. It hurts inside whenever I want to pray for them, I didn’t pray for something that is impossible. I just pray for their happiness, cause I care. Is it wrong to care for such people? They’re good people for Allah’s sake.

Tapi apa yang buat aku rasa tak bersyukur sangat tu bila tengok ayah. Aku rasa derhaka sangat bila timbul rasa nak belajar jauh-jauh, ayah nak anak-anak ayah dekat dengan ayah. Aku tau tu and it hurts everytimes. Kalau nak apply apa-apa aku rasa bersalah kalau apply jauh-jauh. Mak selalu reminds me that Ayah needs me. His condition is…. – there are no words to describe it. To be honest I am so jealous orang yang ada ayah yang sihat and able to fulfill your needs, and yes, I am very much angry to any children yang tak hormat mak ayah diorang.

Aku tau susah orang nak terima aku and keluarga aku sebab keadaan ayah aku. Kalau ex-boyfriend adik aku tu yang bodoh sangat nak faham keadaan kami yang mana ayah lagi penting dari diri dia tu … apatah lagi kalau kami kawin nanti. Bolehkah atau ada yang sudi nak faham keadaan di mana ayah nak kami ada dekat dengan ayah?  I don’t think anyone would sacrifice for that and I hope no one would, aku ni jenis cepat simpati dekat orang.

And I know if anyone ( kalau ada la, walaupun tak ada) yang baca statement aku ni will say -‘ sebenarnya kau rasa ayah kau yang jadi penghalang untuk cita-cita kau kan?’ . No I don’t feel like that. Ayah aku tu lebih kepada fuel untuk aku kejar cita-cita aku. Cuma aku tengah down sekarang ni. Tu je. Setan kan suka kacau manusia yang down ni.

lastly , yeah I got an overseas offer. at one of the prestigious uni at UK. I still feel like i shouldn’t give up the offer and I won’t . For now. I hope I can go there. tu je. Not that Malaysian Uni is not good enough but, it’s a lifetime offer. Aku ni bukan kaya sangat nak pegi uk for holidays and kalau ada duit sekalipun, benda sekadar nak pegi uk untuk jejalan tu nafsu je. ada benda lain lagi penting.

I know this kind of offer does not come to me frequently.

ahhhh legaaanyaaa boleh lepas. ringan sikit.

Someone Like You

I don’t know if there’s someone like me, I have problem every each time people asks me – “sambung belajar ke tak ?”

and yes, I do have problems when people asks me – “nak sambung apa nanti?”

man… terasa semua manusia yang asyik sakan bertanya itu ini macam psycho. *sorry*

All of you make me think everything many times until I have no answers. Then you labelled me – takda pegangan.

Thanks again. I am not lalang yang takda pegangan. It’s just aku fikir semua aspek sebelum sambung.

then you asks me – “minat kau apa?” aku minat nak tuntut ilmu. Apa masalah kau nak suruh aku pilih nak study apa. Kalau ikut hati, aku nak ambik history – belajar sejarah dunia. teroka sejarah – a deep passion yang payah aku kekalkan. terpaksa belajar senyap-senyap. Aku suka baca teori konspirasi sebab ada betul benda semua tu walau tak banyak. Aku suka study pasal Yahudi. Aku suka language. Aku suka masak. Aku suka main game and I really damn want to create one. Aku suka engine. Aku suka drums and guitar. Aku suka skates.  THERE ! ALL OF THAT ARE MY PASSION.

I WANT TO BE A SCIENTIST THAT NEVER HAS TO PICK ANYTHING AND HAVE EVERYTHING.

Scientist in the past have the liberty to study whatever they want and now you want us to have only one knowledge? IT IS SO UNFAIR.

I WANT THE LIBERTY TO STUDY ! study anything that I want to. Cause I am totally engrossed in studying and not examinations !

yep . run away from me people. You think I am weird. I know. I am proud of myself. I love knowledge and you’re not.